How Many Times Must a Man Walk Alone?

(Personal rant ahead)

So yesterday was my 27th birthday. I spent it with family members, and spent the evening alone. I did invite people round, but not a soul came. Some of my would be guests were unwell, or genuinely had other plans before my invite; and that's fine. But the remainder either made excuses, cried off at the last minute, or never responded at all. It's a good job these days I'm a lot happier in mown company.

This experience hasn't upset me too much, because these things happen, and none of it was within my control. I do however think it's a bit pathetic the way some people carried on. It's not an isolated incident either. The amount of time I've tried to make plans with people, only to be cancelled on a couple of hours before is ridiculous- and no, of course they don't reschedule. 

It's times like this that I really do take stock of the ever thinning herd of people I give a shit about, and going forward, I'll probably just stick to those few for welcoming into my home.

In search of I

Recently I've been thinking I should be doing more. 

I mean this in a general sense; I feel like I've been existing, and not actually living. I have depended far too much, too often and too long on other people for happiness- when I should be seeking it out for myself.

It's been a while now since I last had any semblance of a plan in life. The last time I did, I worked toward buying my flat- and so it came to fruition. Since then I've just been getting by, or at least trying to. 

I have a home. I have family. I am lucky to have the love of a kind and beautiful young woman. I have a few close friends. I have a car. I have a job that allows me to live reasonably comfortably. What I do not have, is a feeling of accomplishment, worth, or self satisfaction- which is why I am making some plans for the future, the first steps of which will start on Monday morning.

It feels good to be doing something for myself for a change. I am the sort of person who, in the past, has always put other people before his own wants and desires. 

Lately however, I have become a little more of a recluse. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I sleep, I play games, I play guitar, I write, jam with the band sporadically and occasionally see one of my handful of friends for a cup of tea. I would see my Girlfriend regularly (for she is also the best friend anyone could hope for in life, and was long before we paired), but she is studying 180 miles away. I can't just hop in the car or bus and go to visit whenever I like, neither can she. The situation has been hard- but it  is only temporary. That thought however, does not exactly alleviate all loneliness. The black dog and I are still very well acquainted.

Others do not seek me out. I am not invited to things. Whether that is out of dislike for me as a person, being generally overlooked as a face in the crowd, or whether the people I know and associate with are simply too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to spare me a thought or correspondence- I don't know. All I know is that if I didn't put myself out there on social media, messenger, and the odd text message- I would hear from no-one at all. In the past I've contemplated avoiding making contact for a week to see if anyone actually cares enough to get in touch- but I needn't have bothered- because recently it happened completely by chance. I saw no-one but work colleagues, and heard from no-one but my Girlfriend and my Mother. 

Assuming (Nay- hoping) with faith in those I know, that the the latter of the three options is the truth (it is the least upsetting, at least), I have come to the following conclusion: I too, must busy myself. For myself. 

I will do this by furthering myself academically and creatively. I'm not going to do it to be liked, or to impress- but to seek and achieve something I want. Something, as I've said, I have not done in around the last five years. I want to work toward something I'm passionate about, like the woman I love is doing right now. She- above all other fervours and venoms I nurture from my solitude- is my muse in this. But again- it's not even for her that I do this. 

It's a long overdue journey in search of I.

What this page is for.

It's been more than a month since my last post- I really need to get better at doing this regularly!

Any commitment to regular posts is for completely selfish reasons, it should be understood. Although this blog is open to any visitors from anyone I know, and the wider Internet, this blog is only for one person.

That person is me. 

Do not be under any illusion. What I choose to write here is my business. I may write about my personal life or in a more general sense. If I do write about personal matters, I am likely to anonymise people I know, rather than openly attack someone online. 

I'm not here to please anyone. Although I do have subscribers, and I do hope they enjoy the content I post- this page is an outlet for me first and foremost.

However- this is not a social media outlet like Tumblr is. It does not depend or thrive on external inputs or reader contributions. There is a comments section, but it is moderated (personally) and any non-constructive or troll-esque comments will not be displayed. I don't feed the trolls. Such people will not be given a platform. The only way there will be any acknowledgement of them, is if they are too hilariously funny not to; for spelling, logical or grammatical reasons.

So, I apologise if you, the reader, had any other presumption on what this page is for. I hope this sets the record a little straighter.

Know Thyself

Today, I read something which has changed how I view myself.

That sounds awfully dramatic I know, but let me explain.

I regularly buy a concise, yet quality newspaper (the "i"). In it today was an article that suggested that "mindfulness" could be as effective in preventing relapses in depression as anti-depressant drugs. It explained the scientific studies which back this up, and also a little on mindfulness as a concept; it derives from certain philosophies of Buddhism and meditation practices.

Then came the all important sentence that made me stop and think about myself. These are the words of William Kuyken, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford Univerisity, and I will reproduce them here in full so that none of their impact is lost.

"Recurrent depression is characterised by people who have very negative thoughts about themselves, other people and the world, and those negative thoughts can quickly go into a downward spiral of depressive relapse. As an example, a mother of a young toddler in one of my classes was pushing her toddler on a swing, she had the thought 'I don't deserve this happiness, this happiness is t going to last, I'm not a good mother. Mindfulness based cognitive therapy enables someone like her to see those as thoughts and not as facts- as phenomena that come into the mind and pass through the mind but aren't necessarily true about her or her relationship with her child. That can break up and prevent the downward spiral into depressive relapses" -- William Kuyken, i newspaper 21/04/15, article by Charlie Cooper)

If you have ever dealt with depression in your life, let that sink in. 

When I have felt low in the past, I have been largely unable to get past the thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. However, I have been reminded the way I feel is not my fault; it's an imbalance within me. If you know your own mind, and are mindful of the thought processes you go through when you are feeling this way, you can remind yourself that's all that they are- thoughts- not facts. How you feel about yourself is not the true picture of yourself- it is but one perspective. As Oz told the Tin Man: 

"A heart is not measured by how much you love; but how much you are loved by others"

This seems like an amazing tool to break the cycle of depression; I can see myself muttering "thoughts-- not facts" under my breath for the foreseeable future

 I plan to further explore the concept of mindfulness. It's probably the closest thing to a spiritual experience I'm likely to have in life- and it's all rooted in logic and rational thought. 

A Human Condition.

When someone says they aren't well, many people assume "sick." It's the automatic assumption. However- sometimes it's important to be mindful of the illnesses you can't see.

For instance; I frequently battle depression.

I'm not talking in terms of "I'm feeling a little sad today because 'X' and 'Y' happened." Everyone gets sad. Sadness, grief, regret and sorrow are totally normal human emotions to feel. They run their courses and have their places in our lives.

 Imagine one morning you wake up, and regardless of how you felt yesterday, something just feels wrong. All your motivation has somehow been leeched away, and you just lie there. You can't think of a single reason to get out of bed- because your life and everything in it seems so futile. So much of what you turn your hand to has come to failure- and it all stacks up in your head as you run through it over and over in graphic and merciless detail. None of the positive parts of your life seem to matter or exist at all. You wonder why you bother trying. You feel not sad, not upset; but utterly empty. Worthless. You still haven't got up.

This kind of thing isn't something you can "snap-out" of, nor is it a mood which can be alleviated by doing something you enjoy. Depression can take that from you too- your favourite hobby or activity can feel lacklustre. Sleep can also be a problem- even if you aren't very mobile or eating. You are loath to spend time with others, because you're concerned you'll bring them down with you, or are concerned what someone will think if they see you this way- you shut them out because you don't want to inflict yourself upon people. Mess and clutter can easily start to accumulate round about you in your apathy too. 

Self harm is something that you can fall into. It can be a form of punishing yourself, or simply an act of desperation, finding release in a small piece of pain you can actually control. I speak from experience.

In extreme cases, to not carry on living at all can seem like an easier choice- or the right one. It's not always a selfish outlook either. Sometimes it can feel like you are such a burden or source of negativity to those around you, that you begin to feel they would be better off if you weren't there. Again, there came a time at my lowest point, when I thought this way. I planned extensively; and even made an attempt.

There's no magic bullet for treating depression. There are medications like Fluoxetine (Prozac) which address the chemical imbalance in your brain, but usually some kind of therapy is involved too- even if it's simply teaching yourself using online resources and CBT that there are ways to try and foster a positive mental attitude- or as near to it as possible. I've done both, with varying degrees of success.

If I'm to give you something to take away from this post, it would be two points:-

1) If you have a friend whom you think is depressed, the best thing you can do is let them know you care, and be prepared to listen. That's it. It may not seem like much but I'm not exaggerating when I say that for some, it's the difference between life and death.

2) If you are suffering from this- you needn't suffer alone. Seek help. You aren't the first person to feel this way and you sure won't be the last- there are tools and people who can help you get through even the darkest patches. Let people who care about you in. You are not a burden on your friends and family, and anyone who thinks or tells you that you are is no friend of yours. Leave these people who don't care behind and you'll be all the better for it. 

You are human. The fact that your mind functions differently does not make you worth any less.

Paleo- One Month.

I meant to post this on the first of February.

I've now been on the diet for one month- with no cheat days. The biggest difference I'm noticing is my mood. I'm becoming low a lot less. I'm also never bloated or overfull because as well as eating less heavy carbs- I'm watching portion size.

Now all I really need to sort is working out more.

Been ages, so here's a personal update!

Hey readers!

Things have been quiet from my end for a while, I know that. This has been for several reasons:-

I was cramming the overtime 

I've been spending time with my girlfriend, friends and family

I've been doing a bit more gaming 

I've gotten into a new band, and as a result I've had to practice more and write music.

All these things take up time unfortunately, but that's life! I'll try and post some provocative articles over the next week or so and it'll be like I've never left. Promise. 

Today I wrote a letter.

Tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of the passing of someone very dear to me. I wrote them a letter, of sorts, and sent it to their Facebook. 

---

Has it really been four years?

I know you won't read this. I don't even know if your family has any control or access to your Facebook at all. So I suppose a part of me writing this is about me. The larger part however, is that I truly miss you and everything that made you who you were.

Our friendship wasn't perfect- we had our rocky patches, our ups and downs. Towards the end we were nowhere near as close as we had been, and hadn't spoken in a good long while. 

Despite all that, from the moment I met you until the day you left, i thought the absolute world of you. I never hated you. For a time I loved you. 

I don't believe in god. I know you didn't either, because I remember your reaction to getting baptised. I don't know if you've gone to any afterlife, or you live on in some inscrutable way. What I do know is that you're free of pain. 

Aside from the hope Scotland might decide to be an independent country in a week, (I wonder what you might have thought of that!) the world is largely still the same. It got that little bit darker when you left, but it still has its bright and shining moments that make it all worthwhile, just like all the moments we had when you were still here.

Your journey was indeed, full of laughter. And I still remember, whether our paths cross again in some way or not- I walked with you once, and so a part of you walks with me still.

Love always

Scott xx

---

I know she won't read it, but a part of me feels better for having done so. 

I miss you terribly Natz. 

Lately

I have to say, by and large things have been going pretty shit for me lately. 

It just seems to be one thing after another. Big bills outta nowhere, personal dramas, more bills, lack of social interaction, extra shifts at work to help live more comfortably, and lack of sleep- all amounting to a tonne of stress. I can't relax now either; because I'm convinced it's not over yet and I'm about to be hit with something else.

If I didn't have my immediate family and girlfriend supporting me things would be a hell of a lot worse and for that I'm truly grateful. 

All the same- I'd really love to catch a break for a change. 

How I Lost Faith In Faith.

Many of you who know me will have seen (and some have even asked why) I am very anti-religion.

This is for an inordinate amount of reasons- and I’d be here all day enumerating them all- but the most important reasons include:

• The ignorance of facts, evidence and reason.

• The bigotry and “in-group/out-group” mentality

• The thought we are “created sick; and commanded to be well” (—Christopher Hitchens)

• The very idea of worshipping a being so tyrannical, mysogynistic, misanthropic, manipulative, vengeful, jealous and capricious just because an old text says we should.

• The laughable idea that blind faith can be a virtue

• The forced indoctrination of children- told they are Christian/Muslim etc before they can walk and talk.

I have some personal experience with the last one. My mother and grandmother attend weekly Sunday services at a Church of Scotland, and identify as Christian. Despite being moderates by any standards- I was baptised and raised as a “Christian child”. As I grew older I naturally began to question things- and I sought, and found answers. When it came to religion however- asking questions was frowned upon- almost discouraged. On top of that, the more questions I asked, the more new ones kept appearing.

One of my questions was “What does Grandpa do when we are in church?” He never went- and that didn’t make sense to me- going to church was just something that people did on a Sunday, wasn’t it? So one week I asked to stay behind.

I was introduced to James Bond that Sunday. 

Grandpa and I had several more Sunday mornings like that- I would feign illness or ask to have a week off whenever I could- and we continued to watch the 007 films- along with Fawlty Towers and other tv comedy of that era. 

In a way- my grandfather deserves a massive thankyou from me; because it was then I realised that church was optional. But then- if church was optional- was believing in what the reverend said optional too? Gradually I went less and less- and when I did- I volunteered to stay out of the service; to amuse the young children who were too boisterous for the sermons and stories. I began to look into prominent people who didn’t believe in god. I started discussing it with people my own age.

Eventually, I told my mother that I was an atheist.

Telling a religious parent that is almost like “coming out”. (Indeed- there is an Out Campaign- google it). Her reaction was almost hysterical. At first she was angry- as if I myself had taken some kind of forbidden fruit- but she then dissolved into tears. She told me that she felt she had “failed as a parent” because she had made a promise to the church to raise me Christian- and by turning away from the faith I had made that redundant and worthless. I have to admit, that did hurt. Part of me was thankful that was it though- because had I been from a more fundamentalist family, I might have been disowned. My mum and I get on incredibly well still, although we do still butt heads on the issue at times- particularly around Easter and Christmas.

It is important to remember though- that is not the parents promise to make. Children should be taught “how” to think; not what to think. All this talk of Christian children, Muslim children and Jewish children is ridiculous. How can a child possibly know what theological viewpoint they have when they know nothing about the world? Can you imagine the outrage if people referred to children as "Tory children" or "Labour children" because of how their parents vote? It is a travesty that it is allowed at all, but- in a modern world of advanced knowledge, technology and science- baptism and spoon fed religion through faith schools really is the only way for churches to keep their numbers up.

So if you’re out there struggling with how to tell your religious parents that you don’t share their belief- contact me. Please. I want to help, because I never got any. Also contact the Out Campaign for support at 

http://outcampaign.org

You are not alone.

Hello and welcome!

This is a new step for me.

I used to blog on Tumblr- but my time there has come to an end, due to both the website not meeting my needs in the sense of security and flexibility, and also because of one user who refuses to leave me alone. Because the website has no concrete "block" function, I have been forced to seek other avenues.

So what can you expect to see here?

There will be the odd personal post- but I'll never name names as I am not about to publicly shame someone on the internet. Mostly, this blog will be my take on news, current affairs and subjects I feel passionate about one way or another. 

If you're reading this I hope you enjoy the content- but I want to stress that this is primarily a blog for me. If someone else enjoys what I write, then that's great- but I'm doing this for me, not anyone else.