I mean this in a general sense; I feel like I've been existing, and not actually living. I have depended far too much, too often and too long on other people for happiness- when I should be seeking it out for myself.
It's been a while now since I last had any semblance of a plan in life. The last time I did, I worked toward buying my flat- and so it came to fruition. Since then I've just been getting by, or at least trying to.
I have a home. I have family. I am lucky to have the love of a kind and beautiful young woman. I have a few close friends. I have a car. I have a job that allows me to live reasonably comfortably. What I do not have, is a feeling of accomplishment, worth, or self satisfaction- which is why I am making some plans for the future, the first steps of which will start on Monday morning.
It feels good to be doing something for myself for a change. I am the sort of person who, in the past, has always put other people before his own wants and desires.
Lately however, I have become a little more of a recluse. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I sleep, I play games, I play guitar, I write, jam with the band sporadically and occasionally see one of my handful of friends for a cup of tea. I would see my Girlfriend regularly (for she is also the best friend anyone could hope for in life, and was long before we paired), but she is studying 180 miles away. I can't just hop in the car or bus and go to visit whenever I like, neither can she. The situation has been hard- but it is only temporary. That thought however, does not exactly alleviate all loneliness. The black dog and I are still very well acquainted.
Others do not seek me out. I am not invited to things. Whether that is out of dislike for me as a person, being generally overlooked as a face in the crowd, or whether the people I know and associate with are simply too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to spare me a thought or correspondence- I don't know. All I know is that if I didn't put myself out there on social media, messenger, and the odd text message- I would hear from no-one at all. In the past I've contemplated avoiding making contact for a week to see if anyone actually cares enough to get in touch- but I needn't have bothered- because recently it happened completely by chance. I saw no-one but work colleagues, and heard from no-one but my Girlfriend and my Mother.
Assuming (Nay- hoping) with faith in those I know, that the the latter of the three options is the truth (it is the least upsetting, at least), I have come to the following conclusion: I too, must busy myself. For myself.
I will do this by furthering myself academically and creatively. I'm not going to do it to be liked, or to impress- but to seek and achieve something I want. Something, as I've said, I have not done in around the last five years. I want to work toward something I'm passionate about, like the woman I love is doing right now. She- above all other fervours and venoms I nurture from my solitude- is my muse in this. But again- it's not even for her that I do this.
It's a long overdue journey in search of I.
No comments:
Post a Comment