The concept rejects the current societal norm of monogamous relationships, and instead, any relationships entered into are considered "open", allowing you; in theory at least; to love and commit to more than one person.
At first glance, it seems to be that this is a way to justify "having your cake and eating it"- being committed as a partner whilst still being able to date, and sleep around if you so desire. Sanctioned infidelity, as it were.
On closer inspection, I think there's a little more to it than that.
Here's an analogy that might make sense- if you have ever loved an ex partner, and found a new relationship. You loved your ex before you separated, and you love your new partner now; but in a different way. No two relationships are entirely the same, and the feelings you felt and the reasons you loved them are subtly different but valid. Is it such a stretch of the imagination to be able to love more than one person simultaneously? It's certainly easy enough to become attracted to, or have a crush on someone extraneous to a committed relationship- and in my view that's okay- because of your obligations, you don't act on it.
There are plenty of arguments against monogamy. Take all the broken relationships you can think of. Think of every agony aunt column you've ever read. How many of them involved infidelity and cheating? How many people do you know that have divorced and remarried? How many bored and unhappy relationships are you aware of in your nearest and dearest? I am not justifying "playing away", but it has to be said that a lot of monogamous relationships- even when running otherwise smoothly- hit the bump of infidelity. Whether that is a personal flaw, or a flaw in the idea of monogamy itself, is open to interpretation.
All rational thinking people recognise the idea of "The One" as complete nonsense. Do you honestly believe that out of almost 7 billion people on earth there is only one destined to be with you? What if you never meet them? What if they happen to live in Outer Mongolia? What if you meet them, and don't even like them? Scuppered.
Having said all this, I don't think just anybody can make a polyamorous life work. I believe that it takes a certain type of person with a very specific mindset to enter into such relationships- and I'm not sure I would fall into that category, for a couple of different reasons.
Firstly, division of time. If the relationships you are part of, being polyamorous, are separate but equal; how do you decide who to spend time with, and when? The schedule must be intense. I would also be worried about making someone feel less cared for, because they feel I'm spending more time with someone else I've been interested in. What about family commitments and holidays? Over time, even if I did get used to it, I think I would feel a little like Bilbo Baggins, at age eleventy-one:
"...Thin. Sort of stretched, like... Butter spread over too much bread."
Secondly, Jealousy. Whilst I may feel fine about spending quality time and having sex with different partners- how would I feel knowing someone I cared about, or indeed loved, was doing the same? If you are in the slightest bit insecure, or begin to think you are inadequate, or not enough for a partner, (even in monogamy) those thoughts can eat away at you like a parasite; and unravel the strongest ties. Is their other partner fitter than I am? Better in bed? Easier to talk to? Better looking? More attentive? Funnier? How would you reconcile that, and break away from such a spiral of negative thinking? One way might be to go out in search of another partner or one-night-stand; but by that stage, would it really help with anything other than fuelling your own resentment? It would be a sticking plaster, but you'd pick at the scab, over and over.
On the other side of that coin, a jealous partner could be just as destructive. How do you placate that, when at the beginning of the relationship you've set the ground rules? How do you make them feel truly cared about whilst caring for another? I suppose it must come back to what I said before, about dividing your time, and loving in a distinct way.
Thirdly, my attitude to cheating. I am pleased to say I have never cheated on a partner. When I'm with someone it's made very clear right at the start, that I am committed and faithful, and ask them to do the same- urging them to make it clear to me if they are unhappy, so that it can be sorted one way or another. Sneaking around behind your partner's back is a betrayal of trust- and a dealbreaker. I have, however, been the "bit on the side" on three separate occasions whilst single, and I must confess I do not feel in the least bad about it- because of the accounts the women gave me of their relationships. I realise this could be seen as somewhat contradictory- but I would quite honestly never have entered into a committed relationship with these women- if anything I was a confidant, with benefits. Having said that, if I entered into a polyamorous relationship knowing full well the implications of it from the get-go, I would probably fare better, because I know exactly what is expected of me, and the other person. That of course, would be entirely dependant on me overcoming any aforementioned insecurities.
Finally, a big problem would be finding people interested in the idea. It's not a popular school of thought- as I said, it's generally accepted that relationships should be monogamous. There are laws in place against bigamy- the act of marrying more than one person- but this is probably as much about making the ownership of property as simple as possible, as it is about singular love. Can you imagine a lawyer trying to navigate the division of marital assets at a double divorce? It would be utter chaos. Returning to my point though; it's not something most people would readily enter into- finding like minded partners would be difficult, and you would probably end up spending a lot of time single until you did.
In summation, polyamory would appear to require several important attributes. Any person living this kind of life would have to be very secure in their own body and mind. The way in which you loved would not be grabbing, possessive, or jealous. It is an acceptance that the person that you love is not yours to own, and that you're okay with that; content for a portion of their time and of their care. What is more natural and purer than that? I applaud the idea of such love- in some senses it is close to an ideal. However, with that in mind, I will have to concede that for the vast majority of us- flawed as we are- it is a concept that will never work, and for the sake of health and sanity, is probably best left alone. Indeed, because of the way I have conducted myself whilst in a relationship in the past, and to this day- it probably wouldn't work for me.
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