Foundations of Friendship.

Over the past few years, I've lost a fair few friends, and gained some new ones. Recently, I've been forced to re-evaluate what constitutes a good friend, and what does not. 

This is both from my own perspective, (how I treat others) and an external one (how others treat me.) 

I must at this point, be clear that I am talking about real-world friendships, and not "friends" found in lists on social media. These two do not equate. 

I understand that the idea of friendship may mean different things to different people. As such, it should be noted that the comments I make here are specific to my idea of what a friendship should be, and what it needs in order to survive.

1) Contact and Communication

If you don't stay in touch with your friend, they won't be your friend for very long. "Liking" someone's photo/status online or leaving a comment is not enough to constitute contact. A simple message to ask how someone is, a phone call for a chat, or arranging an impromptu coffee can mean the world to someone. If distance is an issue for you then conversation is all the more important. Go months without talking to someone, and they'll either quietly drift away or confront you because they are feeling ignored.

2) Honesty

If you are lying to someone, you may also be lying to yourself; if you call yourself their friend. Honesty is a universally important thing to me; and I see withholding important truth and outright lies to be two sides of the same despicable coin. Sometimes a "white lie" can be used to spare someone embarrassment, disappointment or upset. It can be said that there are merits to these, and there is a kernel of truth in that when the matter is trivial. Even then; it's important to consider what your friend would think, and how you would look if the lie was found out. Sometimes the fact you've lied  in the first place is upsetting enough. Even a brutal truth is better than an easy lie.

3) Time

A true friendship cannot be bought with money, gifts or favours. The most important way to maintain any relationship is with the most precious resource that you have. If spending time with a particular friend seems like a hassle or a chore, then you aren't treating them as a friend- you're tolerating them. 

4) Respect.

Many people say "Treat other people as you would like to be treated", and there is a lot of good in that statement. I try to go one step further, by aiming to treat my friends better than I expect to be treated. That might be down to low self-opinion, but I don't see wanting to help others when I can as a fault. Ignoring messages, putting people off because you can't be bothered, not making an effort to reschedule a missed meet-up, needlessly pushing away someone who wants to help you: these things are not respectful, and mutual respect is central to any relationship. 

5) Empathy

It's important to look after number one. However, to be a good friend, you do need to put other people before yourself. It's all about striking a balance, by being there for others, but not to your detriment. Be there when they need you, when you can. A good practice, I find, is trying to put oneself in the other person's shoes- try and see things from their perspective. This is important, because by doing so, you examine how your words, actions or lack thereof, may affect another i.e. How would you feel if someone said/did that to you? Or, How would this sound to someone else? It is worth noting that it is not always possible to do this, so if you cannot imagine what they would feel beforehand, try at least to understand why they feel that way afterward. The most important thing you can do is listen. 

6) Be Prepared to Apologise, or Forgive.

If you wrong someone, or realise you are wrong in something, and were professing otherwise- it's only right that you should apologise. I'm not going to tell the reader of this post how to apologise, because anyone with a whit of sense should already know. I will say only this: do so concisely, sincerely and without reservation (the moment you say "but"; you've stopped apologising!) Forgiveness is much more important, and much more difficult. A useful analogy is that of the broken plate- if you apologise for breaking a plate, it remains broken despite saying you are sorry. An apology can take minutes but forgiveness can take any reasonable length of time, depending on the level of hurt someone has caused. In addition, forgiving an act is not the same as forgetting it ever happened, so be prepared to start building the lost trust- whatever side you're on. If a friend apologises sincerely, be ready to forgive rather than hold a grudge- even if the friendship doesn't survive, considering forgiveness after a fashion is compassionate, and can provide closure for you both.

So there we have it. I don't think it's very difficult to be a good friend, really. You don't have to be selfless; just don't stay in your own bubble. You don't have to be a saint; just a decent human being. You don't have to spend money; but you do have to spend time. I feel this is more important than ever in this age of social media, because despite the idea we are meant to be more connected than ever before, it seems like we are becoming all the more isolated. Look after your friends, and the good ones worth having around will look after you.